i had a horrible experience on friday night because i put all of my assignments off... here i am, doing it
all over again. i really feel like a pathetic man. i'm 21 years old and more insecure than i was at 18.
i still can't make myself sit down and work. i still voice all of my thoughts and let the returned silence
hurt me again and again. i have no faith in myself, it all comes from the kind words of others. i have become
the weak-willed sensitive individual i despised at age 18. there is a weight on my body and a cloud over my
head. i dont respect myself and i dont have any self esteem to hold paramount. i always let myself continue
these destructive habits despite knowing how painful it is for me in the end, every time. i want to breathe
comfortably and see things as they are. im sick of the pain
......
January 23rd, 2024
nonstop tension. painful rumination and affirmation seeking. not a good day emotionally, though otherwise productive. the further i am from my phone the better. it is the infinite paranoia dispenser.
friends at school are very kind and very normal. it is deeply refreshing. i like it when people look forward to my presence. even though i have many friends it never gets any easier to imagine that
people like and respect me. comfort in solitude is the next goal. fomo is an attention seeking devil poisoning the hearts of the insecure. in an attempt to respect myself more i won't succumb to it. i
refuse to wait around for people to speak to me...it is quite sad to do so. it isn't even out of boredom that it happens, i am usually deeply anxious and i have a horrible attention span. it can't happen anymore...
i have an internal world, too...i have worthy thoughts and ideas...so for my own good i must create a life worth living even in the lonely moments. hobbies aren't just to hone a talent.
in order to rekindle my love of drawing i have to remember what made it so in the first place. i cant force anything to happen. i have to let myself relax
